Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Questions Provoked.

When disaster strikes it brings silence along with it. But probably the fact that I can write something even in the midst of extreme grief is a manifestation of the fact that I have matured emotionally. Only about an year ago the loss of a relationship might have plunged me into total darkness, tears and silence but today though it has the same effect initially, eventually emotions are taken over my writing and I find this empty space here to speak. Or may be I am getting used to these incidents.

Only yesterday I was talking about this lady with whom I feel that I am failing to communicate even though technically our acquaintance is 20 years old. I even called her up on phone and talked with her after about 1.5 years. But little did I know that though she sounded normal on the phone she had already sent me the last email.

The lady who suddenly came back to my life 2 years ago after 7 years of silence and then again went off for an year and recently again came back. I felt overjoyed at her return but I soon realized that our differences are far from being resolved and the slightest attempt on my part to start communications again has again sent her back. She came back like a comet and probably unconsciously became an embalming effect on my sub-conscious but the comet that she is, she was destined to again shoot away. Or may be I am not a pull strong strong enough.

She is off to her own world and if anyone suffers in this process then it is me. I lost a potentially powerful connection and have only deep agony to suppress within.

Had I said a few lies or suppressed some truths the comet might have lingered on for a little while more but my scientific training will not let me say anything but the truths straight. Unlike the previous times, at least this time she went away with some explanations. But come what may the amount of things that I fail to understand about this issue far supersedes the number of things she cared to explain.

It is probably the vacuum of reason that I see in this issue that agonizes me most. Nothing can be more frustrating than to be given no reason by the other side and made only to suffer the consequences of the other side.

In these situations I sometimes seem to regret my rigorous scientific attitude. Perhaps had I not been so, I would have perhaps managed to not say some truths and would have perhaps managed to keep the connection. But my intrinsic nature to say the truth straight seems to be acting like a sharp sword that cuts through most human relations.

Are human relations by definition this weak that they cannot survive the slash of the blade of truth? Is the only way to maintain them is to not say the full truth but suppress some parts of it?

But I take this opportunity at this open place to request her to explain her specific reason for snapping this connection. My apologies if somehow unknowingly I committed some error against her. I would be grateful if I am explained the situation.

In retrospection I wonder whether things would have been different had this connection been through direct relationship rather than almost completely through electronic means? Does regular face to face interactions render any extra stability to relationships whereas electronically maintained ones are bound to be unstable?

Could I have been able to maintain the relationship with her had we been neighbours or would have somehow been able to meet regularly, say through a common work-place, rather than having to digitally bridge a geographical distance of thousand miles?

These are some of the questions that have been plaguing me deeply over the last 3 years and I need to find the answers.

But no answer can probably bring her back. No answer can shun the wailing silence of 20 years.

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