Thursday, October 25, 2007

Yet another connection snapped....

As the title suggest this writing is a chronicling of another major loss of a relationship that I seem to have been subject to over the past few weeks.Perhaps writing about it makes it slightly easier to rationalize the situation and hence face it.

Anyway the ability to write what one feels is the greatest armour one can have when faced with abject loneliness. Fortunately my incessant and ever deepening lonliness has equipped me with atleast this ability and of course a deepening interest in science which also helps combat lonliness.

It was pretty debatable to me for quite some time to me as to whether the terrible strain I was feeling over the past few weeks were solely due to the extreme time crunch that I was facing during the GRE preparations. On retrospection I feel that the GRE was only a minor contributor to the immense psychological strain I was facing. GRE preparations were only affecting the technical thoughts but generally pain inflicted to the non-technical aspect of the mind is more hurtful.

Now I realize that the pain was mostly due to the tremendous sense of frustration and agony and pain that I was feeling in my subconscious mind due to the apparent loss of a relationship or atleast a potentially non-trivial human connection. Losing a relationship is not a new experience to me but this time round it was I think it happened in the most subtlest of ways. It happened fast and without any exchange of words and without even me feeling it explicitly.

But unsurprisingly life has hardened me beyond whatever I had thought as possible. A connection for which I deeply felt seems to have evaporated from my life without much of clamour or even a shed of tear. I can confess without any inhibitions that the last time I lost a deep relationship I had cried incessantly for about 3 days before it fully sunk in that I have lost a person. Even now if I look back at that incident the fact that I cried profusely for a long time doesn't at all seem childish to me , because it only testifies and assures to me the genuine depth of feeling I had for that person.

But this time round things seem to be have gone by without a single drop of tear. It just silently sheared me from within with no external manifestation. I am truly transforming into a rock or a machine.

The agony showed up its existence only after the immediate pressure of GRE waned off. And then I realized how it had actually ripped apart my inner self into shreds over the last few weeks but unknowingly I was attributing the feeling to GRE.

I had known that this person is coming home for the Durga Pujas and hence I had been longing to get to communicate after a long time. The Pujas came , this person came home and I realized to my utter shock that the one who had come back was complete antithesis of the person whom I had known 5 months ago! A person who completely derecognizes the 21 year old connection between us.

But still one cant rule out the possibility that I am totally misinterpreting everything since I have had no communication with this person for the last 5 months. All I am deducing is from this person's orkut profile and other such behavioural indications on the cyber world. I could have held on to this fain hope that I am wrong but then life has taught me not to nurture such hopes.

This connection was very special to me for many reasons. I think it is the longest connection I have ever had in my life. It is for about 21 years , that is since I was born.Its true that there was total lack of communications for about 7-8 years in between and then I was suddenly contacted by this person one fine morning about 1.5 years ago. This long a communication gap and then the other side reconnecting to me in a rejuvenated way after so many years through a sheer chance of fate had made this connection very special.

But the fact remains that this connection was special because over the past 7-8 months this had come to be the only non-trivial non-academic relationship that I had or could have hoped to sustain. If someone cant understand me over a period of 21 years no matter how irregular the communications have been ,then I believe that I just cant be understood by anyone or there is some intrinsic factor inside me that shatters all possibilities of non-trivial non-academic relationships.

What is interesting is that what I see of this person today from the orkut profile is anti polar to the person I faced 5 months ago. It seems that the other side of this connection has undergone a total psychological change over the last 5 months , a change at an unprecedented scale to have reversed some of the fundamental defining characteristics itself. As a consequence of the communication failure I have no clue as to what propelled such a drastic change of character at the other end but it seems likely that the breakage of this 21 year old connection is a fall out of this change.

But anyway it is clear that the other side is completely untouched by this breakage and the breakage is pretty much surgically done. All I get at the other end is a silent psychic trauma that I must combat within as I externally fight the challenges of the academic life , for the time being my Physics GRE.

A trauma which generates silent wails and dry tears and dreadful nightmares and a continuous sense of vacuum inflating inside. A tremendous sense of frustration of having lost a deep bond .The agony fills the subconscious every time I take my mind off academics.

The sinking feeling that if my analysis is correct then I have lost the last remaining connection that I had to the non-academic spheres or life. If this connection has been snapped { which is almost certain } then I have no more anchors to hold myself onto any emotional bonds beyond which are automatically defined via blood relations.

I have set sail on a tumultous ocean on a small dingy which has no sails and which has a weak oar. The last anchor I had to the world has also now been snapped. All I now see is the vast weltering ocean on all my sides and I have only a small boat to keep me afloat in the face of these plundering waves.

The small boy in the Wordsworth's poem who had set sail on a small boat had returned ashore when he saw the large mountain.

I will not turn back ashore.
For one thing since all my bondings are now gone , I don't know where is the shore.

I will reach the other side on this dilapidated small boat of mine or I will sink midway.
I am not turning back.

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