It is dark..it is lonely...

I want to run away...all that there seems to be left in life is the continuous process of losing thing....when will this cyclic process ever end .. ???.....everytime I lose something I feel that I have lost the maximum that could have been lost and take a few weeks to recover from it and feeling that may be this is the last time...but it doesn't seem to be so!!

Every time I try to forget the last loss I seem to lose something new !!..and I am brutally reminded that I have things still left to lose , that I will eventually lose...

Why cant I lose everything at one go and then lose my life the next second so that I don't have to endure the pain to lose thing in such a sequential manner....and to be slowly bled to death ..

Did I make a mistake by taking up science ??

Am I intellectually competent to pursue science at its highest level ??

I don't think there is any place for mediocrity in science...Its only the pinnacle who matters and the rest are trivial...and history will forget them as trivialities.

I don't think I have the abilities to be at the pinnacle of science..then why did I take up this career ???...Why did my mind like a thing for which I don't have the calibre to top ??

I have No answers to any questions...

At the receiving end of life one doest have answers but only has to swallow whatever is served to me ...I have to accept or quit .

But somehow I don't even feel like quitting ??..why ?? I don't know

I am in trap..I have to suffer and suffer incessantly..and it takes toll in both the facets of life ..academic as well as non-academic...whatever little non-academic life I had is also gone now ..and I am left with nothing but an incessant process of psychological torture to endure ...


I am hopeless....

I am helpless...

It is too dark...

Its a trap........a trap of memories , wishes and dreams.

and I have no where to go....no one to go to..nothing to fall back upon....